Ten Ways to Describe Something

1. Dr. Lauren Lewis
2. Sexy, genius doctor to succubus and Fae
3. Formerly troubled Carly of The Guard
4. Brown eyed, blonde hair beauty with delightfully sarcastic sense of humor
5. Dr. Hotpants
6. Human of Cloverblob
7. She is singing. IN FRENCH.
8. Scorpio
9. I’m kind of in love with you.
10. Zoie Palmer

Uncertainty

How to deal with uncertainty. I am not sure. I spend my life teetering on the edge of a deep, dark place. Sometimes I am several steps away. I know it’s there but I’m not forced to look at it day after day and I pretend it’s gone. Other days I stand at the edge, unable to tear my gaze from the depths. Today is one of those days. I imagine the sensation of falling into that hole is how I feel right now. Utterly and completely out of control, unfocused, at the mercy of fate. I’m not even sure there is a bottom to the hole, and that terrifies me most of all. The idea that one could simply fall and fall and fall, never reaching the ground. For at least the ground would mean you’ve stopped. There would be certainty. The journey would be over. But when I look into the dark there is no final resting place. It’s never ending despair, an unbreakable cycle.

 So back to my question: how does one deal with uncertainty? With lack of control? With being trapped? That’s what pushes me towards the edge. Relationships, pressure, weather, bad living situations. I have all of those now. Obligations to people that I wonder if I even about. Playing the long game when all I want is to up and leave. What makes us happy in the long-term? It’s a question that haunts and torments.

 She wakes up. It is dark and outside it is snowing yet again. Jamie sleeps soundly beside her, having turned away in the night. The alarm will go off soon. Then they will get up, head into the office where they both work. She will sit in her office with the space heater blasting. There are no windows so she texts Jamie for updates on the weather. Her boss will call periodically, wanting this or that, always ASAP. The first time it is information she provided to him previously, the second time it’s something that doesn’t exist, and the third time he wants confirmation on a made-up number. This is her job, manipulating data and she is very good at it. Sometimes when she disagrees too much with what her boss wants she pretends the data doesn’t work. He yells, but is convinced he needs her so she is not worried about losing her job. It makes her miserable. Sometimes she wishes she would be fired. In his office he occasionally touches her on the leg, in a manner that is overly familiar. He knows she is with Jamie, after all that’s how Jamie got the job. He pays her well and for the past two years she has scrimped and put as much as possible towards her crushing debt. Despite this, she needs at least another two years of this before it’s gone. Before she is free. In the evening she will go home and hide in the bedroom to avoid the endless thumping from the upstairs neighbors. She wants to run, but Jamie is tired and soon it is too late. She is frustrated. Another day wasted. Trapped by a shitty job, lousy apartment, and relationship that makes her feel guilty and she has to constantly deal with Jamie’s insecurity about everything on earth.

She’s decided to leave everything. The apartment requires three months notice so she puts that in and tells her boss that’s it. No amount of debt is worth this. Jamie can take it or leave. She can’t handle being the strong one for everyone all the time. With or without a job she can survive. It may set her back but it’s always made her more flexible and interesting. She needs change. Maybe take a couple months off to bike across the county. Maybe just hide out somewhere. She will make it work. This is life and she wants to live. She is shoving everything pushing her towards the edge aside. She won’t be boxed in, even if it’s harder it’s her choice, her world. The uncertainty of a decision you make is better than the uncertainty of being in one place and wondering if it will improve.

An Open Letter to Zoie Palmer

Inspiration: Dr. Lauren Lewis on Lost Girl, played by the gorgeous Zoie Palmer. Word count: 1,161 Dear Zoie Palmer: Hello. I am the one millionth fan to discover Lost Girl. I know, I’m a bit late for this to be anything new but I had to write because you’re amazing and incredible and I love you. Thanks. You are seriously incredible. I am blown away by your acting, your wit, and to be frank your sheer gorgeousness. I think fan letters are sort of inherently creepy but I feel truly compelled to reach out to you and explain this weird phenomenon about myself and why I want to thank you so much that I am writing. So I am embracing the creepy. For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled with extended periods of being down or blue. Call it depression or the result of excessive navel-gazing if you want. But every so often I stumble upon something that washes all of that away, and fills me with energy and hope. I am, of course, now completely obsessed with you, but it’s an amazing kind of high that keeps me completely absorbed. My girlfriend won’t let me watch Lost Girl without her but I’ve already watched just about every scene in which you make an appearance and I honestly cannot wait to watch it again within the full context of the show. And again, and again. My fascination comes in no small part from such a fully realized smart, strong female character that also happens to have significant relationships with other strong smart women. But beyond that, beyond Lost Girl, you infuse a life and personality into each of your performances that captures the imagination and makes me think about a world of possibilities. For better, worse, or making absolutely no difference whatsoever, you’ve got the “it” factor for me. Sorry. In an effort to offset the creep factor I’m going to list my favorite attributes about you (because talking about you makes me feel happy inside), and in the process share some information about myself as well. See? You may be a celebrity and gorgeous and amazing but I can level the playing field with a few well-placed awkward disclosures. And then we can be friends. No? Oh well. Full steam ahead.  You have amazing hair, did you know that? In my obsessive searching for you across the inter-webs the phrase “hair porn” arose…on more than one occasion. So I’m clearly not alone here. You have some major mojo associated with those flowing locks. And every time you thoughtlessly run your hand through that mane…well it’s special. My hair in contrast is a boring straight and brown combo. Some people try to say it’s red but seriously, it’s brown. Brown. My girlfriend will try to argue that maybe its auburn but I assure you, it is brown. I have brown hair. Boring, straight, brown hair with tragically little life unless I’m in the middle of a long run and suddenly it won’t stay up in the damn ponytail.  It took me awhile to notice your arms, largely because you wear a lab coat in most scenes, a look I have to admit I dig. But when the sleeves come off the gun show begins and it’s worth the wait. I suspect you work out, which is immensely attractive. Don’t let anyone tell you a doctor shouldn’t have such amazing arms. Higher education doesn’t mean you can’t make killer upper body physique a priority. Because brains and brawn is unstoppable. I have decent bicep/triceps, the lingering result of years of swimming. But to be honest it’s my fabulous six pack that makes me vain. CRUNCH.  You have mastered something extremely rare, the elusive closed mouth I-have-a-secret smile. You should know its intoxicating. You look like you have a joke just waiting, and then in interviews it turns out you always do. Seriously how do you do that? And then there is your full smile, which lights up your face and makes your eyes sparkle. Have I mentioned yet that you’re beautiful? My smile can’t even begin to compete, but then whose could? All I can offer is my lopsided dimple, which embeds itself in my cheek when I find occasion to smile. An appearance is promised if I ever hear back.  I’ve already mentioned this but your sense of humor deserves special extra mention. I am smitten with your apparent wit. Am I witty? I’m inclined to say no, although I can score big points on education with two advanced degrees. What does such an erudite individual do? Well I sit in an office and generally feel pretty damn uninspired most of the time. Honestly, I tend to feel trapped in my job, not really doing what I want or in a particularly friendly environment, but under pressure for various reasons to remain. Not that this is at all similar to Lauren’s storyline… My dream is to pursue something closer to my passion(s), which are many, and the icing on top would be the opportunity to do something creative at least some of the time. During my last period of fascination (Sarah Waters – highly recommend any of her books) I wrote a novel, which admittedly requires extensive editing but was one of the most intense experiences of channeling a myriad of thoughts, feelings into a complete product.  The absolute first thing I noticed about you was your gorgeous eyes. I had to rewind the first scene I saw you in Lost Girls because I missed all the dialogue. Warm, brown, hugely expressive…I could go on but I’m trying to not be too weird. Your eyes are amazing whether you’re in character or just being yourself (as much as it’s ever possible for an actress to “just be herself”) in an interview. My eyes are small, and a light blue color that tends to reflect colors around me. In my more romantic moments I like to believe that my eyes work as kind of a mood indicator, but no, they are just reflective. So there you go, a non-comprehensive list of why I think you’re incredible and a bit of awkward rambling about myself. I don’t expect a response because I’m sure you are inundated with letters but I hope I achieved my goal of getting you to smile (or your manager or publicist or whomever actually reads these – no one possibly). But, that being a said, a response would send me over the moon and basically make my year. Also, not to toot my own horn too much, but I make an exceptionally good pen pal. Regardless thank you for being amazing you. Thank you for being the gorgeous lens through which I suddenly feel as though I could take on the world, and realize more for myself. Something in you makes me believe a bit more in myself, that I can be the fullest expression of my potential. For this gift that you so gracefully and unconsciously give, thank you.

Welcome

Hello world, welcome to my tiny, invisible corner. I am an aspiring writer / creative person that currently works a thoroughly uninspiring job in which I sit in an office all day and deal with the inane demands of my boss. I’d quit except as it happens they pay me pretty well, and unfortunately I finished school a few years ago with an insane amount of student loan debt. Last November, in the throes of deep despair about my life, I began the process of writing a novel, which happened to coincide with National Novel Writing Month. This happy alignment gave me some real goals and in December I finished a first draft of that novel. Now, it is nowhere close to ready for anything but the process of writing, and importantly writing EVERY DAY was very cathartic for me. It's something I want to pick up again and reinforce, even if I won't always have the same amount of time to dedicate to my daily writing as I did a few months ago. So this is going to be my dedicated space to writing. I am going to try to write something every day, and it will probably vary widely in length and style. Ideally there will be some stories, creative pieces utilizing different formats, and sometimes more blogish entries like today. I hope to continue pushing myself and provide an outlet where some of my work gets an “audience.” So world, welcome. I am happy to see you here today. Watch me stumble.